Depresh
Mental unhealth. How to turn it off and what is the point
This year started off horribly. Our landlord gave us 60 days to vacate our town home, I had an emergency spinal fusion surgery, and my boyfriend of 6 years let me know we were done. All in the span of 3 weeks. Equal sign depression.
When you end up living somewhere you hadn’t planned on living (squatting really) and getting your health and life back on track, it feels like you are at the bottom of the mountain. Because you are. All I wanted to do if feel horrible, a huge improvement to sick, suicidal, and out of control. I learned a lot about access to mental health services. Specifically the access is deplorable. Beginning with a welfare check from the police to a suicide hotline all the way to weening myself off Prozac and Klonopin, it was the hardest time of my life.
I’m about 10 months out of this nightmare, it’s still not over. It reminds me of people who have a heat stroke - once you have one, you are always at risk. Even today, it feels like I’m 3 rainy days in a row away from slipping back into it. I fear it. It’s S.A.D. season (for me) right now, so I’m walking a tight rope.
What was this hell depression this trying to teach me? I asked myself often. I think it taught me that you’ll be an inch from the end of your life and somehow come out of it.
I learned..
It’s easier to say you’re fine than be honest with people. No one wants to hear it.
Hiding it is more difficult than having it.
LDS. Everyone should have a friend like this.
<3 Randolph <3
How to make progress
Time had the biggest impact on healing my heart, body, and mind.
My friend, Laura. She bought me a ‘Fuck this shit’ coloring book. I colored the whole thing. I spent most weekends with her on her couch.
Comedy. Netflix, Pandora, live shows. When you are either laughing or crying, force the laugh.
Get into a new environment. I moved in with my coworker, Randolph. He will never know how much his listening ears and kindness helped me heal.
Get back out there. I got on e-harmony. Bought a few cute sweaters and went on dates. No I love yous, no promises, just some people along the way.
Get something going on in your life. I started grad school. I’m totally damaged and brain dead from this whole thing. Might as well move the needle somehow.
Keep something the same - your income. My job was the only real constant in this whole ordeal. I’m grateful for that.
Now what?
Keep Calm and Carry on, I guess. There is no magic pill. It doesn’t matter how much you exercise, if your brain isn’t right - it isn’t right. Keep moving forward.
Hope this was helpful to someone.
